#ControlFreak

For as long as I can remember I have prided myself on my OCD tendencies and ability to thoroughly plan out every detail of every situation while simultaneously being at least 15 minutes early. I’d always get jokes from friends and family, but I never really saw this as a problem. Until now.

In the past few years, and more so in the past few months, I’ve been working on self-reflection and learning. With the help of my talented guru Gabby Bernstein (who doesn’t know I exist but is my modern day Buddha), I’ve explored my deepest fears, past traumas, and outlook on my purpose in this lifetime. Heavy stuff.

One thing I am finding that reoccurs over and over again is my need for control. I never thought of it as a problem until I realized that my need to control was a result of fear and this fear went as deep as my core. It was born from the idea of me not being good enough.

Let me explain… Ever since I was young, I had a complex about not being good enough and so I would strive for perfection. However, of course, perfection isn’t attainable. So these efforts would further reconfirm my notion of not being good enough. I had no control over this. Friends would lie. Boyfriends would cheat. Things wouldn’t go my way. And all because I wasn’t good enough, or so I thought. It’s funny how you blame yourself for the wrongdoing of others. I adapted to this trauma with the mindset of having to control a situation, which would provide me with the outcome I wanted and gratify my inner self. But as we all know, life does not work that way.

As much as I tried to control, everything would come crumbling down. I needed to get married before having a baby, but baby came first. I needed to be with my baby’s father, but it didn’t work out. I needed to make my boyfriend live according to my rules so I wouldn’t be hurt, but then he left. I needed to meticulously track my spending to provide for my family, but the money was never enough.

It seemed anytime I pushed, the universe would push right back. I wasn’t listening. I had the mindset that I knew what was “supposed to happen” and therefore I was going to make it happen. I saught control and so I had none. Until now.

What I realized, and am continuing to realize, is that I don’t have the answers nor do I need to. I don’t know where my purpose will lead me, but I also know I cannot get there if I keep trying to force it in a different and conflicting direction. I cannot let my fears dictate my journey. If I want to feel fulfilled, safe and at peace, I need to give it up.

The moment I said those words I literally felt the weight of the world come off my shoulders. Things didn’t seem so bad. In fact, things are amazing. Everything is as it should be and all is well. And now that I am not head down navigating the next few months, I can look up and breathe the fresh air around me. I can be grateful for my home, my family, my career and all the beauty that surrounds me.

It takes a single shift in perspective to let go and be free of your fears. And it will feel amazing when you do. I heard a quote from Gabby, who echoed it from Wayne Dyer. He said:

When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

I encourage you to make a mental shift today. Whether you are a control freak, busy-body, worry-wart, none or all of the above. Get connected with yourself and your purpose. Acknowledge your inner fears and then give them up to something greater. When you can give it up to the universe to take care of, it’s no longer on your shoulders, leaving you to be your best self and live your best life. The universe sorts it all out in time, so there is no use in trying to play God. It’s tiring. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s